I woke up today feeling kind of...moody or just plain bitchy. No particular reason. None that I could think of. But then it occurred to me...the kids are up at our house this weekend. A bimonthly event. A bimonthly challenge.
As time progresses it has become easier and yet, more difficult. I really had no idea what laid ahead of me when I said "I do". Regrets? No! I am truly blessed with a wonderful husband. One I can talk to and one who listens. But why did he have to have kids?! Cold, huh? I can't help how I feel. I can't help the thoughts that run through my mind. I just can't help it.
In the beginning I was prepared for the difficult times that lied ahead of me. I probably understood them better than most. Why? Because I was a stepchild with both of my parents. And it wasn't fun or good or even a happy time. My father married what seemed to be a nice woman. I still remember the first time I met her and she was so nice. That was short lived. She became quite mean and cruel, without just cause. I was only 6 or 7 when she came into my life. I was a good kid. I didn't talk back or get into trouble, at least not intentionally. But she was out for me and my little brother. She would say harsh and cruel things about our mother, right in front of us! I hated her for that. I knew what she was saying was wrong and I knew it was a wrong thing to do. Oh, there are so many stories of the horrible things that she did to us, but it's just too much to unearth today.
My brother and I, as adults, have had numerous conversations, hours of analyzing her actions, but still, no justified reason for her cruelty. Granted my father was a difficult man to love. In fact, while he was married to this woman, he stilled pursued our mother. What a wack job! I suppose she was taking out her frustrations and anger towards my father on us. But that's just not good enough. Years later she joined AA and got sober, but I never got a call or letter from her apologizing for her actions. I guess in a way, I still begrudge her. Why? Because I can still feel the stress, the knots in my stomach of when we went to visit our father. I was always walking on eggshells around her. I tried so hard to be perfect around her, but she always found fault in me. In fact, I don't remember talking too much around her. I couldn't wait for our father to take us to the store with him, just to get away from her. "Are we going to the hardware store today, Daddy?" Please!
As a result of this, I vowed, swore on my grandfather's grave, that I would never treat my husband's children the same way. No matter what! And so far, I've stuck to that vow. But there are days, oh there are days, when I just want to strangle them! And then there are other days that I want to embrace them.
The greatest, or one of the greatest, challenges of being a stepmother, is feeling left out. One day it occurs to you that you're not a part of this family. AT least not the part where you weren't in it. And the kids love to share stories of yesterday. I understand them. I know why they do it, but it just leaves me feeling more empty, more distant. And I have a unique situation. Over 20 years ago my husband and I dated for about a year, on and off. I could've married him. But I wasn't ready for him or marriage. Regrets? Oh yea! Those kids could've been my kids. But they're not. Instead he married someone else, who later on, made him quite miserable. That makes me sad.
Then there are times when the ex-wife calls and one of the kids is in trouble. Well, a lot of trouble. It upsets you. you want to help. You want to be a part of the solution. But, you can't. At least not as much as you want to. So often, I want to lecture the kids, yell at them, make them understand, but I can't. Stepparents have boundaries. Not forever. But longer than you think. It actually takes about 2 or more years for the kids to adjust, to accept and to truly love you. It's a very slow process. An emotionally exhausting one, too.
The one thing that has made this journey easier is my husband. He really listens to me. He understands, too. One of the most important parts of being a stepmother is having a strong marriage. Open lines of communication. STanding by each other. Supporting each other. As important as his kids are to him, his wife has to be just as if not more important to him.
Right now, I'm home alone. The hubby and the kids went to a museum, and I opted out. I just needed to be alone, to catch up on some projects around the house and to ground my emotions. It's also important to give your husband some alone time with his kids. It helps your sanity and gives him some bonding time with the kids. I remember how much I appreciated those times alone with my dad.
Are there good times? Yes. Most definitely. My stepdaughter wished me a Happy Mother's Day a couple of weeks ago. It felt good. Really good. I know now that they see me as an integral part of their lives. A permanent fixture. And they actually care about me. I'm in now. Really in.
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